i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
