my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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