So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
