The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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