just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
