Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
