Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
