Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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