My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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