The brown eye won't let me do that either.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
