The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
