I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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