I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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