thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
