and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
my being single is dangerous.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
