hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
