Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
