I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
