my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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