I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
