Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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