remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
