I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
