you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
