Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
