seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
