Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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