Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
