I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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