Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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