Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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