I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
