Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
