you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
