He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
