We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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