what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
