I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
