you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Boobs are out for the taking
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
