His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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