so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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