My nipple is on Facebook.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
it's great music for shaving your balls
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
