can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
