dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
