Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
