Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
