Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
