i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
