I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
And then he peed in my hair
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