My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
