i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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