does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
