I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
